Monday, January 9, 2012

Filling in the cracks

As I sat on my couch, watching a moving and trying to relax  this past weekend, I had a very "ah ha" moment....

This doesn't need to be assigned to anyone, nor do I believe everyone will relate to this. But I thought I would share anyway.

If I could look into my soul, what would I see? Would it be whole, solid, a great foundation? Would it be scuffed, maybe even scarred? Would it be filled with good intentions, maybe some regret? No, I thought, it would have cracks. Some cracks would be shallow, and some would run long and deep. Each crack being a flaw or sin the I am weak to and repeat, sometimes without a conscious decision to do so.

So, I thought long and hard of my cracks and how I could fill them. Was it even possible?

I want to fill the crack that is constantly wanting to be included, and getting jealous when I'm not. It has given me nothing but anxiety and trouble. Fill it up.

I want to fill the crack that is me losing my temper and not trying to control it, sometimes saying things that are too harsh and regretful. Fill it up.

I want to fill the crack that over-analyzes almost everything. Where does that lead one? Overwhelmed (again) with anxiety and confusion. Fill it up.

I want to fill the crack that is over-spending and under-saving. Irresponsible, yet such a tough habit to kick. Fill it up.

I long to fill the crack that doesn't think I'm good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or (fill in the blank) enough. Fill in those insecurities. 


Shortly after realizing the cracks in my soul/life, I reached out to God. I asked that he help me fill the cracks, because I have no idea how to do this (nor could I do this) on my own.
Do I expect miracles - for them to be filled within a few weeks? Of course not. 
But I am challenging myself to actively do things that will make me a better person, a healthier person, to fill these cracks. 
And I pray, hope and have faith that, little by little, I can fill the cracks,  and help prevent other ones from forming.

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